Inner Circle Versus Outer Circle: Know Who You Are Talking With

As a targeted parent you will likely have to speak with a variety of legal and mental health professionals. You may have to interact with lawyers, therapists, reunification therapists, mediators, custody evaluators, guidance counselors, and and and. You get the idea. Before you say anything to anyone, I suggest that you first figure out whether the person is an inner circle person or an outer circe person.

The good news is that it is easy to tell who is who. An inner circle person is someone you hire, you fire, and who does speak with judge or have a direct impact on the outcome of your situation. Your coach, your individual therapist and your lawyer are examples of inner circle professionals. An outer circle professional is someone you do not hire, you cannot fire, and can have a direct impact on your situation. A mediator, custody evaluation, parenting coordinator, reunification therapist are all examples of outer circle professionals.

Any time you are speaking with an outer circle professional, you must be aware of the impression you are making. You must be mindful that you cannot just say whatever you want however you want. If you speak unkindly about your children, you might create the impression that you are unloving; if you vent about the other parent, you may create the impression that you are vindictive or unable to co-parent. If you show too much emotion, you could appear to be irrational.

These are avoidable mistakes once you are clear in your own mind who you are speaking with. It is human nature to vent and share and express our feelings, but the stakes are too high in high-conflict custody situations to forget that what you say and how you say and who you say it to can make a huge difference in whether you are believed and understood. Before you say anything, know your audience and -- as they say -- act accordingly. Also, make sure that you have enough inner circle people in your life so that you can share what is in your heart and express the full range of your emotions so that you can get the support you need as you navigate your PA situation.